When I first discovered The Rules, I thought it was all about ‘ditch him, if he treats you mean.’ In short, I wrongly thought that The Rules were about ‘him’ and how to make him step up. Once my understanding of The Rules deepened, I had a massive ‘aha’ moment.
I realised that, in fact, The Rules were nothing to do with him. The Rules are for her! What this means, is that, anyone who is looking for a Rules relationship – she has to do The Rules. It’s up to her to set the boundaries, pace the relationship, and date with respect and dignity. It’s nothing to do with him.
Typically in a Rules consult, one of the first things I do; is to access the girls’ behaviour. I work out what she’s doing right, what she’s doing wrong, together with any mistakes. Once I correct her mistakes, two things happen:
- He either steps up
- He fades away.
In no circumstance do we try and ‘fix’ him. Neither, do we ever talk to him or try and correct him. And, that’s because The Rules is about you.