Why he only gets four messages to ask you out


Only four messages to ask for a date may feel a little harsh.

In today’s post, I’m going to try and convince you to give him very little. From now on, he only gets four messages to ask you out.

Some of you may feel that this advice is unrealistic. And I know many of you think that the more you communicate with him the better since ‘you’re getting to know each other.’ You might think, ‘how on earth do I expect you to get to know him,’ when he only gets four messages.

A few days before Christmas, I went out with a recently single girlfriend. She wrote to say that her relationship had ended. I’m not going to share too much of her story to respect her privacy. I can share that she was dating him for a few years and that they decided they would be better as friends.  Every time we met, I stayed away from giving her any relationship advice, mainly because she never asked.

These days, I refrain from giving any unsolicited dating advice. Back in 2012, when I first started coaching, I wanted to help everyone. I wanted every woman to know that she didn’t need to suffer man pain ever again. And that I had the tools to ‘fix’ her relationships.

Over the years, I’ve learned many business lessons, including:

1) Much depends on how coachable you are.

2)  Pain and timing.  Some women despite being in ‘pain’ aren’t ready to do things differently. There’s nothing I can do other than accept, wish her the best and hope she doesn’t suffer too much.

Back to dinner with my newly single girlfriend.  I was happy to hear that she was already out there dating, she’d even set up an online dating profile. This was great news because the best way to get over a relationship is to date other men ASAP. Since we started discussing online dating, I cautiously shared some online dating tips. One tip was ‘he only gets four messages to ask you out.’ When I shared this tip, she gave me a sceptical glance!

“Really, only four messages?” she asked.

“OK,” I said, let me explain this in another way.  This is how I explained the four message Rule to my newly single and somewhat sceptical girlfriend.


Example one: The interview process

I often compare looking for a job to looking for love, because the ‘process’ is the same. When job searching, typically, there are two/three interviews and maybe an assessment center or some type of presentation.  Very rarely are there six interviews, followed by multiple messages whereby the prospective employer keeps writing in order to ‘get to know you better.’

In some instances, there may only be two interviews.  In my advertising career, sometimes I only had one interview before they asked, ‘When can you start?”. In the earlier stages of my corporate career, I was lucky enough to work for a well-respected global ad agency. That company name on my CV opened up so many opportunities. Rarely did I have more than two or three interviews.  Occasionally, there was some type of assessment. Either, they’d ask me to respond back to a brief or there would be some other knowledge-testing method.

If you’re job searching and the prospective employers keep texting and messaging and don’t ask for an interview, you would soon move on. Everyone knows that the standard process, once they have your CV, is to attend an interview. This is exactly the same for dating.  Your CV in this instance is your dating profile and pictures. After he’s seen both, he gets four messages to ask you out. After that, it’s a face to face date.

So, how does he get to know you better?

On the date!

Just like any employer gets to know you during the interview.

Let me give you another example.


Example two: The house buying process

In the UK, buying and selling property can be a minefield, they certainly don’t make it easy. Again, typically when buying a house or a property, the process is as follows:

  • First viewing
  • If you like the place and are considering making an offer, you set up a second viewing
  • If you’re really serious, you set up a third viewing
  • After that, you make an offer and undertake a survey

If, after three viewings you haven’t made an offer and ask for a fourth viewing, the estate agent or realtor would probably consider you a time waster. If you’ve made an offer and then ask for another viewing, they’re likely to be more amenable.

In both the examples above, it only takes four ‘touches’ before a decision is made. And these are huge decisions. For the vast majority of people, buying a property is one of the biggest financial decisions you’ll ever make. Dating is no different. The dating process works in exactly the same way.

I hope these examples help explain why four messages to ask you out isn’t harsh at all. It’s more than enough.

But there are exceptions to the rule and sometimes it may take five or even six messages.

Let me give you an example when five messages are OK.

Him: “Hi”

You: “Hi”

Him: “How are you?”

You: “Great”

Him: “Do you fancy meeting up?”

You: “Sure”

Him: “We could talk on the phone first?”

You: “Sure”

Him: “What’s your number?”

You: “I’m on 07564 514 265”

In the above example, he wrote five times but the important thing is that he is trying to progress the date.

The point is that it doesn’t take ten or twenty messages to ask you out on a date. Just like it doesn’t take ten interviews to work our whether you’re right for the job. And, I doubt many estate agents or realtors would take you seriously after the sixth or seventh viewing. Most estate agents know that when you want the house, you move quickly. Same for job hunting. Finding the right candidate for the role is huge and when they find a good fit, they make you an offer fast. Same for dating, when he wants to date you, he moves fast and sets up a date.

Just remember that if he doesn’t ask you out within 4 (ish) messages, to stop replying.

I’ll be sharing more dating strategy and know-how during my free Find Love Online Masterclass.  If you’re serious about finding love in 2018, do look out for more details coming soon.

Finally, don’t forget, to mark Thursday 8th March in your diary for our London meet up. I chose Thursday 8th March because it’s International Women’s Day. I look forward to meeting with you then.



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